This Time of June

Thirty-one years ago today was the last time that I saw my dad… and, today is Father’s Day. He died on the 17th. The evening of the 16th, we went to see him in the hospital, where he had made a “full recovery” from a mild heart attack. As we walked out of his hospital room, he was sitting up in his bed, and the last thing I remember him saying was, “I can’t wait to get to the beach.” We were going to Litchfield, South Carolina several weeks later. The next morning, on the way home, he died of a massive heart attack. So, this Father’s Day gets especially colored by this story. I’m not really even sure what emotions are current with this part of my experience. There have been thirty Father’s Days without him, and each has a weight of its own.

The above photo was texted out to the rest of my family from one of my brothers. My father’s gaze and his energy are forceful, and it’s intense to look back at him. He was feeble as a long term functioning alcoholic, but his power was undeniable… a complex and damaged man. I have continued to come to a more comprehensive understanding of it all, but it still perplexes my emotional body in ways that I can hardly address. I could simply be at peace with every last bit of it, and no intense feeling is required. I love him, and I know that he loves me… regardless of death’s attempt to separate us. He is present in my life now, possibly more than he ever was. The Universe is capable of magic that we don’t access without the secret code, and dealing with death unlocks that code.

Anyways, tomorrow morning, I’ll drive out to Lovelace Cafe to eat the country ham breakfast in my dad’s honor. Afterwards, I will visit his grave and share a moment. My daughters are the beneficiaries of the years of work I have done to clear some of the negative Carder cycles… and, thus, I too benefit. We don’t really get to choose our story, but we get to decide how it is presented.