“do i contradict myself?…”

i delivered these three six by four foot paintings to the Music City Center a week and a half ago.  the soldier boy in the middle was almost killed in a poor attempt to varnish it.  with a miracle of ammonia salvation, the painting was rescued, and i will never be the same.  the next day my car died; the next day it was towed and reborn with a new starter.  last week, i sputtered in a mild attempt to accomplish a variety of pieces of projects that have sat on the back burners for months.  it was futile, and i eventually slipped into a version of surrender.  i took it easy on myself, mostly.  i built the 7’3″ x 4′ panel for the next painting in the Ghosts and Hopes series… a side profile portrait of Lincoln.  i ate hot chicken with a friend.  i spent an hour at the Proof of Ghosts show at the Leu Gallery, touring a couple around the exhibit.  i drank a little bit of coffee for the first time in over a month, and i witnessed the effects of “too much caffeine.”  i will run a half marathon next weekend, and threesquared opens a new show that night.  in may, i will set up my studio to make one last grand push to secure funding for the “Civil War art memorial.”  if i fail in this endeavor, the weight of the self-imposed deadline will fade, and freedom will take it’s place.  i am hosting an open studio on may 10th, the day after my 41st birthday.  by that date, i hope to have my website updated, and some other promotional material printed.  i am quite tired of the self promoting.  there is a stench of self-centeredness that is hard to escape when i am working towards such “advertising.”  there is a feeling that i am chasing recognition, and i am weary of this feeling.  i soldier on with the best dose of selflessness that i can muster, and i detach from results with all the surrender that i can serve.